Of Being ~ Denise Levertov (1923-1997)
I know this happiness
Is provisional:
the looming presences--
great suffering, great fear--
withdraw only
into peripheral vision:
but ineluctable this shimmering
of wind in the blue leaves:
this flood of stillness
widening the lake of sky:
this need to dance,
this need to kneel:
this mystery:
Thursday, April 7, 2011
Wednesday, March 16, 2011
I love my mama.
So, my mom is leaving on Friday morning for Haiti. It is her second time returning to do medical missions. I love her generous heart and her willingness to help others whether or not she is feeling well physically. I just had a wonderful talk with her and hearing her describe packing for her trip and such; well, it made me super excited for our trip this summer!!! It's kind of crazy that I forget how tired I am when we return stateside and how exhausting the traveling can be. But, it's cool. I love these children so much; I'd do just about anything to see them as much as I can. Including emptying my pocketbook. Fundraising has been tough to say the least. I am holding on to little slivers of truth each day and asking God to show me that HE is faithful.
Today, I'm so thankful for grace. In the world's eyes, I'm kind of a flub who doesn't have all the right qualities. In my Father's eyes, I'm beautiful. He SHOWERS me with love and consistently shows me that He can use my lemonness for his glory. He really doesn't even allow me to question it anymore. As soon as I get all cynical, He steps up. So, be careful regarding judgements you make of people. They may seem like the last person God could ever employ in his bidness, but they could be doing a lot more and being used more than you'll ever know. If He can use me, He can use a n y b o d y.
Today, I'm so thankful for grace. In the world's eyes, I'm kind of a flub who doesn't have all the right qualities. In my Father's eyes, I'm beautiful. He SHOWERS me with love and consistently shows me that He can use my lemonness for his glory. He really doesn't even allow me to question it anymore. As soon as I get all cynical, He steps up. So, be careful regarding judgements you make of people. They may seem like the last person God could ever employ in his bidness, but they could be doing a lot more and being used more than you'll ever know. If He can use me, He can use a n y b o d y.
Wednesday, March 9, 2011
the stillness can be so loud
This has been one of those seasons of life where one feels as if they are running in place. It's as though I'm standing outside this vast bubble containing my life and all others I come in contact with every day...And, what I see is this incredible concoction of beauty and devastation, light and darkness, generosity and selfishness.............One of the most awesome shifts in my thinking is the way God is using the little knowledge and relationship I have with these beautiful people I've had the opportunity to meet in Ukraine to give me new insight. It seems that the many ways I view the world are through the filter of their understanding of life; that is, the little I know of it. The love and connection I feel for them is so supernatural and all encompassing. It's a life-changing thing and I praise God for all of it. However, it does make it harder for me to really focus on life here. I am really quite disheartened with American culture and have been for years. Everything and everyone is so bent on degrading anything sacred. It's revolting to me that people watch shows like Tosh.O and are actually entertained by it. It's sickening. Sorry. I will never resort to taking something sacred and making it garbage, so I guess that makes me a nerd. When you've seen a screaming baby tied to wires and chest tubes while their parent leaves them at the hospital for weeks, it's not really funny when someone breaks apart a video of a mother swinging her kid around like a whip. When you've met orphans who are criminals and are completely desensitized to love (a feeling I understand) because noone has ever wanted to take care of them, it really impacts you to see things for what they are. I prefer to see the beauty in life, I guess. I always have. I'd rather sit under the stars and talk about the vastness of the universe than work an extra shift at a job I don't like so I can get a boob job or a new car. Wise words from my counselor: "Americans are more focused on what they are doing and what they have instead of who they are." Focusing on external things always leaves me so unsatisfied. God can't really use me when I'm completely disenfranchised and cynical. I woke up with a resolve today to focus more on the eternal. My soul, my body, and my spirit are crying out for it. These temporary trappings I've been stuck in lately are not working out. I wish I didn't stupidly get stuck in them so easily and for so long. I guess it's our human nature that has to learn over and over that the external things will never fill this void in our hearts. And, if things were easy and sunny all the time, it wouldn't seem as vibrant when we receive a break in the clouds. The stillness would never exist. We'd be too busy and tired to live it.
I miss Yuliya a lot right now. She wasn't at her orphanage during their Christmas; she went home to her family. I guess they want her for holidays, but not the rest of the year. Because of this, she has gone her entire life knowing she can never be adopted. I don't know which would be worse; getting left in an orphanage for good, or occasionally getting the taste of domestic life only to be returned to an institution. It explains a lot about her behavior and her need for affection. I am oft times haunted by thoughts of other things she could be doing to get that affection. Something Tosh would probably make fun of, but it's a tragic, dark place I don't even want to think about, let alone believe and know could be occuring.
I am so excited to see these kids again! I am amazed at their talents. Their struggle and their plight is heartbreaking; I see myself in them. It started out as a simple mission trip in my mind and has turned into a potentially lifelong ministry. I feel so ill-equipped. Oh, God, show me Your faithfulness.
I miss Yuliya a lot right now. She wasn't at her orphanage during their Christmas; she went home to her family. I guess they want her for holidays, but not the rest of the year. Because of this, she has gone her entire life knowing she can never be adopted. I don't know which would be worse; getting left in an orphanage for good, or occasionally getting the taste of domestic life only to be returned to an institution. It explains a lot about her behavior and her need for affection. I am oft times haunted by thoughts of other things she could be doing to get that affection. Something Tosh would probably make fun of, but it's a tragic, dark place I don't even want to think about, let alone believe and know could be occuring.
I am so excited to see these kids again! I am amazed at their talents. Their struggle and their plight is heartbreaking; I see myself in them. It started out as a simple mission trip in my mind and has turned into a potentially lifelong ministry. I feel so ill-equipped. Oh, God, show me Your faithfulness.
Thursday, February 3, 2011
Oh, life
I. Hate. Winter. I suppose I shouldn't complain about it because many people I know have just endured a blizzard of epic proportions. I just hate cold weather and how unmotivated it makes me. I truly dread getting out of bed and usually find excuses to sleep in on days off. Then, I hate myself for like 3 hours. Oh, the tangled web...
I'm still dreaming vividly about the kids. Last night, though, I had a dream that an old high school classmate told me that I was a pig. It's the only part of last night's dreaming that I really remember. When I awoke and got over the fact that I needed to get out of bed, I thought of that first thing. It made me think of being a teenager and especially what it must be like to be a teenager or young adult in an institution that encourages such little growth and fosters oppression. It's hard enough to be a girl in America being raised in an upper middle class family in (uh, near) a small town where there's a larger sense of community. I have been priveledged in so many ways and I have taken it all for-granted. I moan and complain constantly, I blab about myself incessantly, and I make every situation about me. They say (who's the "they"?--inside joke) that when a person starts abusing substances, they remain the age they were at the time of descent into destruction. Well, I was about 19. I honestly think that is a huge reason why it's taken me so long to mature. When I finally started coming up for air, I was inhibited by lack of experience, years of self-destruction in a very important life stage, and all of the lies you therefore believe as a result. And, once again, it makes me think of these children we've met in Ukraine. Their situation is quite different from mine (and, really, more devastating), but the spiritual and mental context- not so much. They most likely believe they are unworthy of love for copious reasons; they have a distorted VIEW of love; they probably feel very hopeless and ambivalent much of the time . I don't know what God has in mind and I don't know how much of a role someone like me could ever have, but I do know that if He can steadily reform my motivations and actions, He can do wonderful things for them. It may be a slow process. It may be hard to watch. And, it may be overwhelmingly difficult to grasp the depth of their need. But, if we just let Him live His life though us, it will all be accomplished as He has planned. And, that's it. And, that's all.
I'm still dreaming vividly about the kids. Last night, though, I had a dream that an old high school classmate told me that I was a pig. It's the only part of last night's dreaming that I really remember. When I awoke and got over the fact that I needed to get out of bed, I thought of that first thing. It made me think of being a teenager and especially what it must be like to be a teenager or young adult in an institution that encourages such little growth and fosters oppression. It's hard enough to be a girl in America being raised in an upper middle class family in (uh, near) a small town where there's a larger sense of community. I have been priveledged in so many ways and I have taken it all for-granted. I moan and complain constantly, I blab about myself incessantly, and I make every situation about me. They say (who's the "they"?--inside joke) that when a person starts abusing substances, they remain the age they were at the time of descent into destruction. Well, I was about 19. I honestly think that is a huge reason why it's taken me so long to mature. When I finally started coming up for air, I was inhibited by lack of experience, years of self-destruction in a very important life stage, and all of the lies you therefore believe as a result. And, once again, it makes me think of these children we've met in Ukraine. Their situation is quite different from mine (and, really, more devastating), but the spiritual and mental context- not so much. They most likely believe they are unworthy of love for copious reasons; they have a distorted VIEW of love; they probably feel very hopeless and ambivalent much of the time . I don't know what God has in mind and I don't know how much of a role someone like me could ever have, but I do know that if He can steadily reform my motivations and actions, He can do wonderful things for them. It may be a slow process. It may be hard to watch. And, it may be overwhelmingly difficult to grasp the depth of their need. But, if we just let Him live His life though us, it will all be accomplished as He has planned. And, that's it. And, that's all.
Wednesday, January 12, 2011
abandoned children; planes, buses, Orthodox Christmas, and snow
Wow. This trip was simply amazing. The intricate ways God works are everywhere. And, I mean everywhere. I learned so many things about Ukraine on this trip, bonded with my kids, built relationships with others I've not spent much time with before, and deepened relationships with many wonderful translators and Radooga staff. As Heather Harris has said, we are all family. I hope the kids feel that, too.
Some of the things we have learned about the kids on this trip are so heart-breaking. I think it's stuff we all suspected and kind of knew was going on, but it's still hard to hear it and I will never forget what I was doing or how my heart moved when I heard these things. It's such an opportunity to love them even more and show them God slowly over time. I feel so tied to them. I feel the Lord working. It is a feeling like no other. Nothing I write right now can even remotely do justice to the things running through my mind. The experiences we all made on this trip are all a little different, but one thing we all agree on is that GOD is good. And, because we have this knowledge of His love, it is our calling to share it in whichever way He calls us. For me, I feel it is going to be something big, but I am waiting on His direction. He knows my path and trusting that is also a feeling like no other.
One more aspect of going on a mission trip of this nature concerns the things you learn about yourself in the process. They may be things you already knew, but are presented to you in a new way. They may be traits that come out because you are under trying conditions such as dehydration, lack of sleep, jet lag, emotional extremes because of the nature of the trip, and slight disorientation from different surroundings. I have had friends beg me to get counseling for various emotional problems with most of them boiling down to self-loathing (poor self image). This trip has been the final catalyst for that step. I cannot be a light to others, whether it be close friends, fellow-Midtowners, or orphaned children until I deal with my own issues and learn to love myself the way God does. It sounds simple, but-and trust me on this-it is a very profound and complex journey. And ,the beauty of it is that it's not some silly, shallow self-help crap. It's me learning to trust the One who made me so that I can love others more fully. So, more than just me benefits! (there are many people sighing in relief right now) Some of what caused me to make this hard decision (counseling is very intimidating to me) includes hearing myself complain about my appearance constantly, bitterness toward the opposite sex, and just general inconsistency. It's so easy for me to find fault with others. You know why, don'tcha? Because I don't like many things about myself. Just one small thing I have in common with many of these beautiful kids in Kharkov. Someone along the way has convinced us that we are unloveable. And, that is never true. Or, perhaps it IS true, but Someone loves us, anyway! Thank you to all who have been patient with me through this not-so-pleasant aspect of my life.
I started reading "Flowers for Algernon" today. The first page contained this writing of Plato's. Beautiful Ukrainian faces flashed across my mind as I read it. Let me use the disclaimer that I do not deem them retarded. :)
"Anyone who has common sense will remember that the bewilderments of the eyes are of two kinds, and arise from two causes, either from coming out of the light or from going into the light, which is true of the mind's eye, quite as much as of the bodily eye; and he who remembers this when he sees anyone whose vision is perplexed and weak, will not be too ready to laugh; he will first ask whether that soul of man has come out of the brighter life, and is unable to see because unaccustomed to the dark, or having turned from darkness to the day is dazzled by excess of light. And he will count the one happy in his condition and state of being, and he will pity the other; or, if he have a mind to laugh at the sould which comes from below into the light, there will be more reason in this than in the laugh which greets him who returns from above out of the light into the den."
May we all constantly remind ourselves that we live in a world of darkness which has fractions of Light. And, the Light of God is the only thing truly enabling us to see.
Some of the things we have learned about the kids on this trip are so heart-breaking. I think it's stuff we all suspected and kind of knew was going on, but it's still hard to hear it and I will never forget what I was doing or how my heart moved when I heard these things. It's such an opportunity to love them even more and show them God slowly over time. I feel so tied to them. I feel the Lord working. It is a feeling like no other. Nothing I write right now can even remotely do justice to the things running through my mind. The experiences we all made on this trip are all a little different, but one thing we all agree on is that GOD is good. And, because we have this knowledge of His love, it is our calling to share it in whichever way He calls us. For me, I feel it is going to be something big, but I am waiting on His direction. He knows my path and trusting that is also a feeling like no other.
One more aspect of going on a mission trip of this nature concerns the things you learn about yourself in the process. They may be things you already knew, but are presented to you in a new way. They may be traits that come out because you are under trying conditions such as dehydration, lack of sleep, jet lag, emotional extremes because of the nature of the trip, and slight disorientation from different surroundings. I have had friends beg me to get counseling for various emotional problems with most of them boiling down to self-loathing (poor self image). This trip has been the final catalyst for that step. I cannot be a light to others, whether it be close friends, fellow-Midtowners, or orphaned children until I deal with my own issues and learn to love myself the way God does. It sounds simple, but-and trust me on this-it is a very profound and complex journey. And ,the beauty of it is that it's not some silly, shallow self-help crap. It's me learning to trust the One who made me so that I can love others more fully. So, more than just me benefits! (there are many people sighing in relief right now) Some of what caused me to make this hard decision (counseling is very intimidating to me) includes hearing myself complain about my appearance constantly, bitterness toward the opposite sex, and just general inconsistency. It's so easy for me to find fault with others. You know why, don'tcha? Because I don't like many things about myself. Just one small thing I have in common with many of these beautiful kids in Kharkov. Someone along the way has convinced us that we are unloveable. And, that is never true. Or, perhaps it IS true, but Someone loves us, anyway! Thank you to all who have been patient with me through this not-so-pleasant aspect of my life.
I started reading "Flowers for Algernon" today. The first page contained this writing of Plato's. Beautiful Ukrainian faces flashed across my mind as I read it. Let me use the disclaimer that I do not deem them retarded. :)
"Anyone who has common sense will remember that the bewilderments of the eyes are of two kinds, and arise from two causes, either from coming out of the light or from going into the light, which is true of the mind's eye, quite as much as of the bodily eye; and he who remembers this when he sees anyone whose vision is perplexed and weak, will not be too ready to laugh; he will first ask whether that soul of man has come out of the brighter life, and is unable to see because unaccustomed to the dark, or having turned from darkness to the day is dazzled by excess of light. And he will count the one happy in his condition and state of being, and he will pity the other; or, if he have a mind to laugh at the sould which comes from below into the light, there will be more reason in this than in the laugh which greets him who returns from above out of the light into the den."
May we all constantly remind ourselves that we live in a world of darkness which has fractions of Light. And, the Light of God is the only thing truly enabling us to see.
Thursday, December 30, 2010
leaving on a jet plane-in 3 days
I honestly don't really know what I'm thinking right now. My thoughts are all in a whirl. I just got back to Tennessee from home in Illinois. Going home always shakes up my world; it's shaken in a mostly good way because I see everything and (almost) everyone who helped shaped me before my move here and whom I love very much. But, it's always hard for me to come back and get back into the groove of life while reality sets in that I indeed do NOT live there anymore and my life is rooted in TN now. It's not that life here is bad :) I'm just a sentimental moron who loves sooo many peeps 7 hours away. This time, however, I don't have much time to dwell on myself. (this is a good thing...)
I cannot believe this trip is already about to begin. It seems like two days ago, I was considering going, praying profusely about my cynicism toward raising funds, and taking the plunge of faith believing that God has something huge, beautiful, and transforming going on here and that I just need to trust that. Since then, I've gotten letters from my kids. This sounds like a small thing, but it just reinforced that they are desperate for affection and love. I hope and pray that we can effectively show them they ARE desperately loved. Not just by us, but most importantly by a God whose heart is broken by the fallenness of this world.
Thank you to all who have been prayerful toward this, for all of you who have generously given to this ministry, for all of you who are patient and loving toward me personally as I grow in Christ, and most of all for those who have taken a true interest in my journey with this; it truly enables me to see God at work and makes me more useful for HIM. I have dear friends who have cried with me over these children they have never met. I love all of you so much more than I show. Thank you. I hope you all had a wonderful Christmas and that the New Year is one of adventure, personal growth, and experiences that challenge your perspective!
" I pray that out of his glorious riches he may strengthen you with power through his Spirit in your inner being, so that Christ may dwell in your hearts through faith. And, I pray that you, being rooted and established in love, may have power...to grasp how...high and deep is the love of Christ, and to know this love that surpasses knowledge--that you may be filled to the measure of all the fullness of God. Now to him who is able to do immeasurably more than all we ask or imagine, according to his power that is at work within us, to him be glory ...forever and ever!" Ephesians 3:16-21
I cannot believe this trip is already about to begin. It seems like two days ago, I was considering going, praying profusely about my cynicism toward raising funds, and taking the plunge of faith believing that God has something huge, beautiful, and transforming going on here and that I just need to trust that. Since then, I've gotten letters from my kids. This sounds like a small thing, but it just reinforced that they are desperate for affection and love. I hope and pray that we can effectively show them they ARE desperately loved. Not just by us, but most importantly by a God whose heart is broken by the fallenness of this world.
Thank you to all who have been prayerful toward this, for all of you who have generously given to this ministry, for all of you who are patient and loving toward me personally as I grow in Christ, and most of all for those who have taken a true interest in my journey with this; it truly enables me to see God at work and makes me more useful for HIM. I have dear friends who have cried with me over these children they have never met. I love all of you so much more than I show. Thank you. I hope you all had a wonderful Christmas and that the New Year is one of adventure, personal growth, and experiences that challenge your perspective!
" I pray that out of his glorious riches he may strengthen you with power through his Spirit in your inner being, so that Christ may dwell in your hearts through faith. And, I pray that you, being rooted and established in love, may have power...to grasp how...high and deep is the love of Christ, and to know this love that surpasses knowledge--that you may be filled to the measure of all the fullness of God. Now to him who is able to do immeasurably more than all we ask or imagine, according to his power that is at work within us, to him be glory ...forever and ever!" Ephesians 3:16-21
Thursday, December 9, 2010
Three weeks!!!!
I'm really excited tonight. Just talking about the activites we'll do with the kids and trying to imagine how awesome it will be to see them again is enough to get me so jubilant, I cry, laugh, clap my hands, and jump all at once. For real. I cannot wait. But, in the business of serving God, there is a lot of waiting, so I must. I'm also very excited to see the wonderful translator friends I love and everyone else I've met. Call me biased, but I find people from Ukraine fascinating and gorgeous. And, their political struggles, spiritual battles, and way of life are as well. We Americans take far too many things for-granted (like refined sugar, for example). Yes. I've had to come to many realizations of truth from this entire experience and the growth is slow, but steady. Slow and steady wins the race! mhm.
On the other hand, there is also the knowledge that this trip will be emotionally difficult-both for us and for the kids. We only get one day per orphanage while in Kharkov, so that doesn't allot much time spent with them. I hope and pray that it truly brightens their Christmas and that it is a memory they keep in their hearts vs. being just another visit from a group of Americans. January 2nd!!
P.S. THANK YOU to ALL who have given to the team and to me individually. You know who you are!
On the other hand, there is also the knowledge that this trip will be emotionally difficult-both for us and for the kids. We only get one day per orphanage while in Kharkov, so that doesn't allot much time spent with them. I hope and pray that it truly brightens their Christmas and that it is a memory they keep in their hearts vs. being just another visit from a group of Americans. January 2nd!!
P.S. THANK YOU to ALL who have given to the team and to me individually. You know who you are!
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