if I could only fly

So, the highlight of my life most recently has been receiving a bulky letter in the mail from two of my favorite girls.  Alina and Yuliya are best friends.  I'm really glad they have each other.  They told me they are in their last year in school (they are 16) and that they want to go to trade school.  I know that Yuliya wants to cut hair and already does so for her friends.  They love to dance, sing, sew, and draw.  They also love popular American music and movies.  That seems to be a similar thread throughout the country in general.  They both told me they love me very much (but, of course.) and that they think I am very fun and interesting.  (Val and Heather had a hard time deciphering the word.  "spunky" was another translation. )  They begged me to come to camp again next year.  Little do they know; I'm going in January!!!  :)  I just wish there were a way I could tell them easily.  I'm in the process of Val translating me another letter (poor Val--some days, he probably wishes he didn't know Russian) that will hopefully reach them in time.  It will be very difficult for me if they have family they go see for the holidays and are not there when I am in their very city and orphanage.  But, I should be thankful (in that situation) that they have family to see!  There are several other kids I would absolutely love to see, though, so no matter what, it will be worth the trip.  I am very thankful for the support I have raised and for the people who are so generous and who truly care about this portion of my life.  Words can't express how I feel when I open a hand-addressed envelope to find support and an encouraging letter offering prayer and wisdom! 

On the other hand, as many of you may know, I've been struggling vehemently against myself lately.  I find myself being incredibly self-centered, cynical, participating in things I have convictions against, and have really fallen into a basic lack of motivation that happens when I start losing hope.  Yeah, this is getting deep, so if you can't handle it, stop reading.  I need people to pray for me.  I need people to lift me up so that I can also be someone who lifts others up.  I need to be restored (for the millionth time) in my mind.  I hate myself when I am living out of a dark place in my mind.  There are so many factors of this.  I won't go into them because that's a little too complainy and whiney.  Just please pray that I can be renewed in my mind and my heart.  Because like this, I am of little use to anyone.  Not even myself.  Thank you, friends.  Pray for our beloved Ukrainian kids, too.  We are all getting pretty stoked for this trip! 

Some days, I just long for heaven.  I lay down to sleep and my mind creates photographic moments of utter innocence, beauty that never dies, and a complete lack of darkness and monotony.  I've always admired flying creatures.  It seems they can quite literally rise above all of this, spread their wings, and be in a better place by morning.  I'm so very jealous.

perhaps a tinge too much coffee before my walk

I almost killed myself today.  Not in the I-slit-my-wrist kind of way; rather in the I-climbed-a-steep-embankment-to-read-and-narrowly-escaped-death-on-the-way-down sort of way.  Everyone observing was warily slowing down, watching to see if I would crash headfirst into the pavement below.  I laughed like a crazy person when I discovered I only suffered a few bruises and scrapes.  Mainly at the spectators' reactions.  It's quite amazing how many thoughts cross the threshhold of one's mind in a few fleeting seconds.  I didn't have the whole life flashing before my eyes sort of thing; I had two thoughts.  1)  Oh, no!  I'm turning 30 tomorrow and I'm going to either be dead or be in the hospital with a broken neck and legs.  2)  If this whole thing doesn't sum me up in a nutshell:  an impulsive love for adventure with little thought to how the whole thing will end.  

Thankfully, both for myself and for those around me, I've become less self-indulgently adventurous during the last 7 or so years.  I only have God to thank for that.  Yup.  Some days, I still miss being terrifically immature, but my life is so much more full today.  Well, when I'm thinking rightly, it is.  It's become considerably more natural for me to think about consequences of selfish behavior; not simply how it will affect me, but how it will affect those around me.  Of course, I'll always struggle with this and will need God to temper my tendencies.  Sigh.  Something has to make me interesting.  

The chapter assignment I read underneath the interstate bridge today (it's actually a GREAT place to read) was instructional material on how to effectively write an argumentative synthesis.  The chapter material included examples and commentaries displaying various ways to go about writing such a paper.  One of the quotes used in the material really struck me in regard to myself, people I know deeply, people I encounter daily, and those beautiful children stuck in Ukrainian institutions.  " The world is not populated by Mr. and Ms. Spocks of Star Trek fame, whose brains function by reason alone.  Even those who claim to be open-minded on a given topic are often captive to deeply held beliefs and, so, deceive themselves concerning their willingness to respond rationally to arguments.  'People often fail to identify their own biases because of a compelling human desire to believe they are fair-minded and decent."  Whether we all want to admit it or not, we are biased people who need to be challenged constantly to change our views so that we don't primarily serve ourselves with them.  I think often, when I bring up the subject of God, people's biases as to what they think of someone who labels themselves as a Christian causes them to immediately shut down.  Sometimes, I can understand.  The American "Christian" has not exactly lived out his or her calling in Christ.  If we all did, we wouldn't have people on the street corner holding up signs that say "God hates fags."  Really?!  And, I think as Americans, we need to be fully aware venturing overseas to build relationships with kids who live in a different culture that they most likely won't respond in the way we think they might.  I guess I'm just thinking I want to be more sensitive to their collective and individual needs and not go over there with an agenda.  I'm pretty sure I can speak for my entire group when I say that.  We all love those kids so much.  Oh, I hope they know.  If all goes well, in two months, we'll be spending our last days with them.  And, I'll come home all emotionally bent out of shape.  :)

Life, with its mountain tops and valleys, is awesome.  I complain often, get discouraged easily, and lose heart sometimes.  But, there are so many reasons to love this experience.  Just the way a stark tree branch looks against a sky full of condensed tears...or a tiny bright yellow butterfly soaring along the shrub line, abruptly turning around, and taking off in the other direction....or the way people band together during a tragedy... the way Yulia's amber eyes light up when she smiles...the way a hard-hearted person like me can respond to the song lyric "oh, death, where is your victory?"............Apparently, it has none over me, quite literally.  Phew.  I'm gonna live to be thirty.  Oh, Lord, that's another can of worms.  Cans of worms.  They're beautiful, too---well, no, they're not.