This has been one of those seasons of life where one feels as if they are running in place. It's as though I'm standing outside this vast bubble containing my life and all others I come in contact with every day...And, what I see is this incredible concoction of beauty and devastation, light and darkness, generosity and selfishness.............One of the most awesome shifts in my thinking is the way God is using the little knowledge and relationship I have with these beautiful people I've had the opportunity to meet in Ukraine to give me new insight. It seems that the many ways I view the world are through the filter of their understanding of life; that is, the little I know of it. The love and connection I feel for them is so supernatural and all encompassing. It's a life-changing thing and I praise God for all of it. However, it does make it harder for me to really focus on life here. I am really quite disheartened with American culture and have been for years. Everything and everyone is so bent on degrading anything sacred. It's revolting to me that people watch shows like Tosh.O and are actually entertained by it. It's sickening. Sorry. I will never resort to taking something sacred and making it garbage, so I guess that makes me a nerd. When you've seen a screaming baby tied to wires and chest tubes while their parent leaves them at the hospital for weeks, it's not really funny when someone breaks apart a video of a mother swinging her kid around like a whip. When you've met orphans who are criminals and are completely desensitized to love (a feeling I understand) because noone has ever wanted to take care of them, it really impacts you to see things for what they are. I prefer to see the beauty in life, I guess. I always have. I'd rather sit under the stars and talk about the vastness of the universe than work an extra shift at a job I don't like so I can get a boob job or a new car. Wise words from my counselor: "Americans are more focused on what they are
doing and
what they have instead of
who they are." Focusing on external things always leaves me so unsatisfied. God can't really use me when I'm completely disenfranchised and cynical. I woke up with a resolve today to focus more on the eternal. My soul, my body, and my spirit are crying out for it. These temporary trappings I've been stuck in lately are not working out. I wish I didn't stupidly get stuck in them so easily and for so long. I guess it's our human nature that has to learn over and over that the external things will never fill this void in our hearts. And, if things were easy and sunny all the time, it wouldn't seem as vibrant when we receive a break in the clouds. The stillness would never exist. We'd be too busy and tired to live it.
I miss Yuliya a lot right now. She wasn't at her orphanage during their Christmas; she went home to her family. I guess they want her for holidays, but not the rest of the year. Because of this, she has gone her entire life knowing she can never be adopted. I don't know which would be worse; getting left in an orphanage for good, or occasionally getting the taste of domestic life only to be returned to an institution. It explains a lot about her behavior and her need for affection. I am oft times haunted by thoughts of other things she could be doing to get that affection. Something Tosh would probably make fun of, but it's a tragic, dark place I don't even want to think about, let alone believe and know could be occuring.
I am so excited to see these kids again! I am amazed at their talents. Their struggle and their plight is heartbreaking; I see myself in them. It started out as a simple mission trip in my mind and has turned into a potentially lifelong ministry. I feel so ill-equipped. Oh, God, show me Your faithfulness.
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