I know why the sky is crying when there aren't any words to say

I have so many mixed feelings about this part of life right now.
We are planning another trip this summer and although I have moments of blissful excitement, I still feel stuck in this bout of cynicism I've been in since last summer's trip.  I don't know how obvious it's been that I've been struggling with my faith this last year, but I've been struggling pretty badly.  It has many consequences; some affecting others' lives (and that breaks my heart) and some just being the typical self destructive moves people experiencing cynicism and lack of purpose do.  In times like these (that last much longer than we'd like...), I guess I'm thankful for 1) the thread of hope holding things together and 2) friends who see past the hurtful words, the pushing away, the walls, and the varying levels of self destruction.  We are made for community and as a self proclaimed loner, I'm slowly learning that I need people so much and that they actually need me.  That's just one reason to reach out to God in times of selfish pity because when I'm focusing on myself, I can't be there for others very well at all.
All that being said, I do feel led to once again return to Ukraine this summer.  The trip will look very different than others.  And, I won't see many of the kids I've bonded with in summers past.  This is very difficult for me; much more so than I can even verbally communicate.  These kids/young adults have my heart and I see their faces daily.  Trusting that God is sovereign is especially challenging during times of cynicism and this sort of situation shows me where I am with it all.  Sigh.  So glad it's not up to me, my beliefs, or even how well I'm equipped.  Showing love to people who need it has always been hard for me because I live in this stupid bubble of not feeling loved...but, these kids break all of that down.  BAM.  I see them, I interact with them, I hang out with them, and I just inexplicably love them supernaturally.  They need it.  Bad.
I am fundraising again.  If any of you are interested in giving, please pray about it, think about it, meditate, do whatever you want...but the trip costs a bundle and I don't have that.  If I don't get support, I can't go.  I've said it before and I'll say it again; this part of the trip is always something that grows my faith.  I have no choice but to trust that people will be moved to give and when they do, well, it's mind-blowingly awesome.  Email me, message me, let me know if you want to give to our team!  And, if you can't or don't want to, please keep this mission in your thoughts and prayers.  We are dependent on so much support to love on these kids!  Thanks:)  Love y'all!