Some of the things we have learned about the kids on this trip are so heart-breaking. I think it's stuff we all suspected and kind of knew was going on, but it's still hard to hear it and I will never forget what I was doing or how my heart moved when I heard these things. It's such an opportunity to love them even more and show them God slowly over time. I feel so tied to them. I feel the Lord working. It is a feeling like no other. Nothing I write right now can even remotely do justice to the things running through my mind. The experiences we all made on this trip are all a little different, but one thing we all agree on is that GOD is good. And, because we have this knowledge of His love, it is our calling to share it in whichever way He calls us. For me, I feel it is going to be something big, but I am waiting on His direction. He knows my path and trusting that is also a feeling like no other.
One more aspect of going on a mission trip of this nature concerns the things you learn about yourself in the process. They may be things you already knew, but are presented to you in a new way. They may be traits that come out because you are under trying conditions such as dehydration, lack of sleep, jet lag, emotional extremes because of the nature of the trip, and slight disorientation from different surroundings. I have had friends beg me to get counseling for various emotional problems with most of them boiling down to self-loathing (poor self image). This trip has been the final catalyst for that step. I cannot be a light to others, whether it be close friends, fellow-Midtowners, or orphaned children until I deal with my own issues and learn to love myself the way God does. It sounds simple, but-and trust me on this-it is a very profound and complex journey. And ,the beauty of it is that it's not some silly, shallow self-help crap. It's me learning to trust the One who made me so that I can love others more fully. So, more than just me benefits! (there are many people sighing in relief right now) Some of what caused me to make this hard decision (counseling is very intimidating to me) includes hearing myself complain about my appearance constantly, bitterness toward the opposite sex, and just general inconsistency. It's so easy for me to find fault with others. You know why, don'tcha? Because I don't like many things about myself. Just one small thing I have in common with many of these beautiful kids in Kharkov. Someone along the way has convinced us that we are unloveable. And, that is never true. Or, perhaps it IS true, but Someone loves us, anyway! Thank you to all who have been patient with me through this not-so-pleasant aspect of my life.
I started reading "Flowers for Algernon" today. The first page contained this writing of Plato's. Beautiful Ukrainian faces flashed across my mind as I read it. Let me use the disclaimer that I do not deem them retarded. :)
"Anyone who has common sense will remember that the bewilderments of the eyes are of two kinds, and arise from two causes, either from coming out of the light or from going into the light, which is true of the mind's eye, quite as much as of the bodily eye; and he who remembers this when he sees anyone whose vision is perplexed and weak, will not be too ready to laugh; he will first ask whether that soul of man has come out of the brighter life, and is unable to see because unaccustomed to the dark, or having turned from darkness to the day is dazzled by excess of light. And he will count the one happy in his condition and state of being, and he will pity the other; or, if he have a mind to laugh at the sould which comes from below into the light, there will be more reason in this than in the laugh which greets him who returns from above out of the light into the den."
May we all constantly remind ourselves that we live in a world of darkness which has fractions of Light. And, the Light of God is the only thing truly enabling us to see.
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