I have been home for twoish days now. And, I really have a hard time wrapping my mind around that fact. I cannot believe this trip is over and now, I'm fighting off thoughts of ditching my life here in some crazy attempt at "saving" my kids' lives over there. Oh, trust me. There are more irrational thoughts where that came from. I wake up every morning thinking I'm still in Ukraine and the noises outside are the kids. Nope. Reality is a real beeotch sometimes.
This summer was so different than last. I formed more relationships with kids, deepened the ones already formed, and learned so much about myself and how I default to my own ways of coping (versus God's) when I'm experiencing emotional and physical difficulty. If you want to learn a lot about yourself and those around you (subtle laughter), just place yourself in a physically and emotionally challenging environment with no escape for two weeks. You will be forced to cry out for help both from God and from those you are surrounded by. It is a quite astonishing, exasperating, and unique experience. It is also violently beautiful. You are literally coerced into trusting your Creator to sustain you minute by minute. You find out that you are being served almost as intensely as those you've come to serve. Quite the paradox.
Of course the kids' situations are extremely heartbreaking. The more I learn about their lives, the more my faith in a God who truly cares about His creation is challenged. I've cried over this so much. I keep telling myself someday I'll understand, but it's just not enough right now. I only hope and pray that He will reveal His plan and divine reasons for allowing so much pain in this world. It seems these children cannot avoid misery at any time. They become abandoned for many horrible reasons. One girl told a translator that, when she was a little girl, her mother tried to sell her for her organs and she ran away. They end up in the orphanage where their peers, and often their teachers and counselors, molest and beat them. (My kids told me minutes before I left camp that they had gotten beaten that very day by their counselor. I also heard one of these beatings taking place during an unexpected trip to their building one day at camp.) Finally, they leave and go to a trade school where they feel utterly alone and marginalized while being easy targets for pimps and drug dealers. Their culture does nothing to hinder this tragedy; if anything, it encourages it because they are thought of as nothing. Hearing this stuff while looking at the pain in their eyes, well, I cried in front of them several times. At least they can see through my vulnerability that someone cares about what happens to them. But, that can't be enough. It never was for me. They need more consistency. They need a support family in the form of believers willing to sacrifice on their behalf---and more than once or twice a year. I am praying about all of this and I know many of my team members are as well.
Thank you again to all who have made this ministry possible. I appreciate all of you very much. For those of you who truly care and ask, it means more than you will ever know. As painful and heartbreaking as this journey has been, I wouldn't trade it for the world. I love those beautiful faces so much. I dream about them nightly and wake up wishing I could see them and talk to them some more. Tonya, Yuliya, Katya, Valya, Yana, Sergei, Andre, Taras, Ruslan................all of them. They are each so uniquely talented and beautiful. But, I have seen that same painful look in each of their eyes. That look that says, "Please love me. Please see my worth. Please follow through with your promises. Because I don't think you will." Even as I type this, it's all so fresh and tears are slowly falling from my tired eyes.
I hope to see them again soon.
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