I should be in bed....

     I must arise at the lovely hour of 5:30 tomorrow.  On a Sunday, no less.  Ugh.  I just have to get through the next few days and then I am heading north to the Prairie State!!  So crazy excited to play with Abram, hang with family, go to Chicago via Amtrack with my mom, and see some friends who share my love for wide open spaces, real conversation, and probably have fond tail-gating memories.  :)
     The kids have been on my mind so much lately.  It seems like every time I wonder off, I am thinking of Yuliya and wondering what life is like for her where she is.  It's great because it gives me opportunity to pray for her every time she and the other kids cross my mind, but it is also painful.  For many reasons.  For one thing, I feel kind of silly feeling so attached to her because I only spent like 6 days with her and conversation was very limited due to the language barrier.  I really feel like it's a God thing, but she probably just thinks I'm some chubby American chick who can bring her to Hollywood.  Oh, well..  I just love her.  Those amber eyes held so much pain, need for acceptance, and mystery.  It's totally crazy that I'm even considering living in Kharkov someday...I don't know Russian, don't know a lot about daily life in eastern Ukraine, lack resources.........But, faith is crazy.  God is powerful.  People all around me can question my abilities, my personality, and my potential.  Go ahead.  My God can combat all of that and my confidence in that keeps me going every day.  Some days are harder than others... 
     I'm getting sleepy.  So, I should prooobbbaably stop typing or I may shame myself.  Everyone knows how I get when I ramble.  =)  I am still fund-raising for this trip.  Please do not hesitate to give as it is costly and I am poor white trash.  Oh, I love saying that.  I love it.  People react in so many different ways to that statement.  Good night, loves.

Saturday

Oh, how I love fall in Tennessee.  It's a little more gradual than up north and just beautiful.  I do miss the cornfields and wide open spaces in Illinois sometimes...  I'm going home in a couple weeks to spend some quality time with family and head to Chicago with my mom!  Can't wait!

I have been praying so much for this coming trip in January that I've been dreaming about the kids almost as much as I was when we returned from camp in July.  There are so many uncertainties with this trip; the extreme weather and travel, the possibility of being turned away at the orphanage door(s), our reactions to the quality of life these kids endure on a daily basis, and the possibility that some of them will not be there when we come to see them.  It just always comes back to the same thing:  It's not in my control and nothing I do now will change the outcome.  This is actually a very beautiful thing.  It makes the journey of life more mysterious, adventurous, and exciting!  I love the knowledge (that comes from experience) that God can be trusted.  That, no matter what things look like, He is always working.  It sounds like Christianese when you haven't experienced it over time, but to me, it's moving, freeing, and awesome.  He loves those kids.  He has put us in their lives.  We don't know what will unfold, but He does.  So, staying close to Him (and He ensures that happens) is the remedy for my fears.

I am already needing to trust Him for my support, for other people's reactions to me needing support, and of course to sustain me through every day I struggle against my mental problems, my addictions, and my selfish nature.  Sustainment; getting just what you need for the time being.  That is also comforting to me.  I don't need anything more.  I'm learning to truly be content with wherever I am and whatever I have.  (Key word in that sentence being "learning."  ;)  This world is temporary and only what is done for Christ matters.  Nothing else.  ....That makes me wish I were doing more.  Like, quitting my job and being a hobo for Jesus.  :)  Yeah.  Not gonna happen.  ;)

I hope and pray I can see my Yuliya and the rest of the Lions in January.  And, that if I don't for some reason, that I will respond graciously.  And, continue to trust God.

killin' the blues

I've got John Prine on repeat up in here.  :)  It's a fitting song for the beautiful, cloudy day outside with leaves changing colors and floating to the ground.. always makes me nostalgic for my childhood on the farm. 

I'm very thankful I have some fun adventures planned for life during the next few months because waiting for our short time in Ukraine will be difficult.  I feel like God is teaching me how to wait these days.  It is indeed "the hardest part", but it truly builds character and teaches a person so much about themselves..  I've never been one to wait on anything; this shows up in my life in various ways.  That's why I struggle with over-eating, job-disatisfaction, and why I struggled with much bigger vices and depression in the past.  Because I always want what I want RIGHT NOW.  But, there is no beauty in that!  And, I've discovered (much to my delight) that waiting on the Lord is an awesome process that never disappoints me.  And, His ways are so much more adventurous; you have to let go of fear.  You have to plunge into the great unknown trusting that "either something will be there to catch you, or you will be taught to fly."  Quite frankly, I'd like to be taught to fly.  =) 

Seeing the kids on video at the dinner for Oleg and Lena Vasilevsky last Friday tore me up in ways I'm sure only my fellow teammates could understand.  I have photos of Yuliya, Tonya, Andre, Ruslan, and Alina all over my apartment.  But seeing them in motion...  I must get back to them soon.  Oh, Lord guard my fragile heart.  I want to return to them full of life, passion, and joy.  As someone who easily reverts back to the negative, I will need You in this process; in this journey.  Like my pastor said on Sunday, "Audacious HOPE is different from optimism.  Optimism keeps doing the same things, trodding along believing that eventually things will change for the better.  Fake smiles.  Putting on an act for other people.  HOPE is having the courage to act when doubt is warranted."  Admitting you don't have it all together, but trusting GOD does.  It's the difference between faith and reason.  Call me crazy, but I'd rather have faith.

thinkin/and prayin/not wishin/ but hopin

Oh, I hope I can trust God enough to quell these nervous thoughts and anxieties about life these days. I've never been one to handle a fast-paced lifestyle very well and currently, I'm forced to. It just makes me appreciate every interaction with loved ones and every fun adventure all the more, I suppose.

Still deeply considering going with the team to Ukraine in January; at this point, my only reason for "backing out" would be an utter lack of funds. I am so attached (already) to these kids in my heart and cannot wait until I see them again!! It's exciting to think about the potential plans the Lord has for them. Although their situation looks so bleak, these slowly built relationships we are making with them will hopefully beam a light into their shadows. I really hope something long-term stems from all of this; I am leaning more and more toward eventually living over there someday. But, that's kind of me jumping to conclusions. Let's just wait patiently on God, Lori. :)

For now, I'm just taking life one hour at a time. Praying that I will trust God to provide support for me; both financially and emotionally.  Praying that I can completely surrender my will to God's. For a hard-headed (and, sometimes hard-hearted) person such as myself, this is not an easy undertaking. Thankfully, Jesus is faithful in his promises and I don't have to rely on my own performance.

I'm writing this very sleep-deprived with many, many things on my mind...I should reserve ramblings such as these for my journal. :)

Tonight is the fund-raising dinner for Oleg and Lena in Franklin, Tennesee. I'm excited to see them again!