Let me just start by saying that I am very, very thankful for good, solid friendships and growing relationships with family. People who aren't just fun to be around or half-heartedly ask how you are doing, but who honestly care about your well-being and would do anything it takes to help you if they could. When one goes through the rough patches in life, it can be very clarifying as to whom they should be investing in. I know that there are people who have been deliberately planted in my life to show me how NOT to treat people and I know, too, that there are many people planted in my life to show me that I am loveable no matter what I may think about myself.
I hope I can (slowly) build relationships with my Ukrainian friends and "kids" and that as I grow in my relationship with God and learn to love others more beautifully, Yuliya, Alina, Tonya, Andre and the others could become recipients of God's love through me somehow. I feel like such an unworthy, broken vessel, but I suppose that's just part of the beauty....
Yes, I've still been having a bad time of mental anguish. And, I'm not afraid to tell anyone or talk about it. If it makes you uncomfortable because some social rule you learned along the way tells you that I should keep this to myself, too bad. I'm not here to fluff your social rules. I don't think Jesus would, either.
I am just in this intense period of waiting right now. Some of the waiting is on certain events, such as going to Ukraine and reuniting with my girls. Some of it is situational in that I'm taking under-grad classes working toward a very vague degree in who-knows-what because I can never make up my mind. :) I have a terrible attitude about my task-oriented role at work where I feel like a glorified gopher (go fer this, go fer that) who takes vital signs and whom the parents really don't want in the room because I'm not a nurse. I had to leave home for many reasons, and Nashville has a lot going for it, but I miss my family and friends who know me inside out every day!! I have been waiting on Prince Charming for so long, I've all but given up. Even Christian guys are persnickety and judgemental toward bad characteristics such as being overweight, not being professionally developed, and sassiness. The grace that is supposed to permeate Christian relationships has been hard to find here, quite honestly. I guess no matter where you go, people are still people.
When I'm able to be at least slightly reflective on all of this and not just straight up cynical, I can see all of the beauty in it and all of the things God is doing. He is the string of glue keeping me from completely falling off of the car door. ( I say that because my trim falls off my car about twice a year and it always seems to be when I pull up to park. The fact that it hangs by a string while I'm driving 80 down the interstate blows my mind.) I think I need to hang onto him a little better. I think I need to stop expecting other people to fix me. Because few want to even try, let alone have the ability to succeed at doing so. I'm too flawed. The only thing that can fix me is raw, encompassing GRACE that comes from the One who gives us our broken abilities. And, I long to be filled with that grace so that I can be someone who gives others reason to hope because they can see this crazy, stark difference in the way I handle things as opposed to wallowing! Especially, these kids I've befriended in Ukraine. I feel so much for them and I want to do anything, ANYTHING I can to transform the outcome of their seemingly bleak existence. Oh, how I miss them and cannot wait to see them again!
One of my best friends recently turned away from her old ways of thinking and has turned to God because she had no other choice. Her life was falling down around her and out of sheer desperation, she reached out for grace and found it. And, she is such a rock in my life. She has so many hard things in her life right now, but her faith is so strong. She read me a verse the other night on the phone. It's a verse I used to love so. much. And, I've just kind of forgotten about it because it became so overly-quoted in certain circles. But, I haven't heard it for quite some time and when she read it to me, I was overcome with the feeling that once again (well, all along) I was/am being pursued by my Prince of Peace.
"Do you not know? Have you not heard? The Lord is the everlasting God, the Creator of the ends of the earth. He will not grow tired or weary and his understanding no one can fathom. He gives strength to the weary and increases the power of the weak. Even youths grow tired and weary and young men stumble and fall. But, those who hope in the Lord will renew their strength. They will soar on wings like eagles; they will run and not grow weary, they will walk and not be faint."
It is from Isaiah, chapter 40. And, it reminded me of another verse in Isaiah that applies to all we struggle with here in this "dry and thirsty land".
" As the heavens are higher than the earth, so are my ways higher than your ways and my thoughts than your thoughts.
As the rain and the snow come down from heaven and do not return to it without watering the earth and making it bud and flourish, so that it yields seed for the sower and bread for the eater, so is my word that goes out from my mouth.
It will not return to me empty, but will accomplish what I desire and achieve the purpose for which I sent it."
Thank you, Lord, for Your word. It makes me come back to my senses. I'm not in control and I really don't want to be. I'd rather free-fall and trust that "there will be something to land on, or I will be taught to fly."
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