dah or nyet

I have not raised enough funds at this point to go to Ukraine.  With that being the catalyst causing me to wonder whether or not I should make this potentially exhausting trip, I have begun the intense process of deciding if God has other plans this Christmas/winter season.  So, here goes.

Pros for going to Ukraine:
1.  I get to see many of the people I miss every day I live and breath.
2.  I get the opportunity to bring warmth, love, and cheer to "kids" who otherwise may not have any of those three things.
3.  I get to see the beauty of that overlooked, intriguing country and stretch my sheltered American mind.
4.  Borscht--'nough said
5.  I would have more insight into a country I am interested in living in for possibly a year or two someday.

Pros for staying in the states:
1.  I'd save a boat load of money.  This aspect is crucial to this being a God thing.  If it is not, I should not spend loan money to go to another country.
2.  I'd be able to be more available for others here during a school break.  I miss investing more in my friends.
3.  I'd be able to go home for the holidays!  And, give my family decent gifts for the first time in two years!
4.  I would be forced to wait patiently until God wants me to visit the kids again and prepare my heart for summer camp next summer.  I'd probably be more excited about summer camp!  (it's one of those things; kinda of need to forget how hard it is in order to be excited about going back :)
5.  My tailbone wouldn't be protesting.  I damaged it in May (cliff jumping with bad form--imagine that!) and sitting more than 2 hours is quite awful.  One flight alone is 7-8 hours.

I think you all know what I'm going to say next.  I'm praying about it.  I firmly believe that I'll be directed and that whatever happens is what God wants because His will cannot be thwarted.  The problem is living out this belief and not letting emotions (which cannot be trusted) and doubts cloud my mind with confusion, guilt, and all that jazz.  I need to be fully invested in wherever I am.  That's hard enough for me, anyway.

The all too familiar Proverbs 5:6 applies here.

 Let not mercy and ^atruth forsake thee: ^bbind them about thy neck; write them upon the ^ctable of thine ^dheart:

 4 So shalt thou find ^afavour and good understanding in the sight of God and man.

 5 ¶^aTrust in the Lord with all thine ^bheart; and lean not unto thine^cown ^dunderstanding.

 6 In all thy ways ^aacknowledge him, and he shall ^bdirect thy^cpaths.

"In all thy ways" is the hard part.  If you think of it, please pray that I accept whatever He has and roll with the punches!  Because, either way, this is going to stretch me!

"hope deferred makes the heart sick'

Friends.  I am currently, rather frantically, planning another trip to Ukraine over Orthodox Christmas in early January.  It will be quite different from times past as it will be more independent, less people going, and possibly involving only interaction with the children ( hardly 'children' anymore) who have transitioned out of the orphanage into trade school.  It would be lovely to also go to the orphanages, but it is rather complicated and difficult to accomplish without having a backing organization or 'game plan'.

Of course, this takes so much wrestling with God, prayer, and some planning.  And, the entire planning of the trip has been so haphazard and a bit uncertain to say the least.  Which is why I'm only beginning now to plead for your support.  I cannot go on this trip if I do not have support; both in funds and in prayer.  So, amid all the other stressors of life as a student who is working, I am attempting to step out in faith and ask for help once again.  This, as I've probably said before, is a very humbling process.  But, when funds start coming and my trip needs are met, my heart feels safe knowing my Father is motivating all who give to this ministry.  Kind of sounds like Christianese, but friends, it is so true.  I am a flawed human being who is undeserving of my Father's love.  My friends fail me, my family often fails me, and I fail myself and others.  But, the One who placed the trillions of stars in the sky; the One who invented time and space; the One who throws lightening darts at this deeply depraved planet?  He loves me.  And, He loves those kids.  He is somehow using us to communicate that to them.  I implore you to join me in prayer for them. 

If you feel at all moved to give a sliver of your spending money in support of this trip (estimated cost :  $1500-2000; most of that being plane ticket), please send a check to me at 315 Stones River Cove, Nashville, TN, 37214.  And, as we could not find a non-profit to back us, we're on the honor system.  You'll have to trust me.  I have little to nothing saved up to go as I am living off school loans and my meager paycheck while I attend school.  I am literally begging.  Forgive me.  I want to see my kids so badly and not dash their hopes that I really do love them as much as I tell them in letters.  They have such little reason to hope in anything.  I want to somehow show them the One who IS their only hope.

Psalm 10:14......"But, you, O God, do see trouble and grief; you consider it to take it in hand.  The victim commits himself to you;  you are the helper of the fatherless."

dah or nyet?

Does God want me to go back to Ukraine this winter?  I'm still trying to figure that out, but am leaning more toward DAH.  This trip will be completely different from past trips as it would be a very small group going independently to visit "our" kids who have transferred from their orphanages to trade school.  It is mainly the knowledge that these trade schools often come with a very hostile environment while neglecting to meet even physical needs that is propelling us to want to visit our kids.  I miss them so much and still think of them daily.  Certain songs transport me rather quickly to the land of bread, Soviet era statues, cheap vodka, and neglected children.  I'm praying about this right now and would appreciate yall praying that I follow God's leading and not get anxious about it.  The entire ministry often seems overwhelming.  I can't rely on my own understanding; thank God for His!

For my supporters

First of all, I'm so sorry I am just now following up with this trip.  It's always so hard for me to get back to the states and recoop after Ukraine.  The reverse culture shock this time was particularly difficult for me.  You would not believe how easy one gets 'sucked in' to another culture when one is flinging themselves headlong into it.

I cannot even begin to express how thankful I am for you.  If you had not generously given to me in faith, this trip and this segment of my journey with God would not have been possible.  Here in the states, I'm considered way below the poverty line.  So, going out to dinner is a big deal; let alone, leaving the country and staying there for two weeks.  I squeal with excitement every time I get a support check and most of you were so encouraging with your support.  It means so much.

This photo is of Alina and I.  I am painting her face for rec; a time of day we play outdoor games on a big field.  It is so fun.  Chaotic, but fun :)  Alina is a wonderful girl with a big heart.  She often gets made fun of by her peers, but she always shows others love and takes part in discussion more than the other kids.

I learned so much more about the kids this trip.  I kind of go through some of this in my last post on this blog, so I don't want to be repetitive.  But, needless to say, their lives are very, very difficult and complicated.  Most of these kids have been abandoned, many have been abused, and many have that look in their eyes.  You know the look.  Apathetic, but anxious; untrusting, but hopeful; dull; yet glimmering with a little light.  It seems that every time we visit them, they become just a little more trusting.  They have more energy and offer more affection. They are willing to speak about Jesus in front of their peers; this is HUGE.  So, although there are so many super hard things to digest about their lives and culture, this fact gives us hope.  

This is Tonya and I.  She is a rather tomboyish, kind of wild, but very sweet girl.  She got into some trouble on our last day at camp; therefore, she was forbidden to see us off, but she snuck off anyway and plowed through the entire crowd of people and everyone on our bus to tell me goodbye.  I was waving out the bus window to other kids and I hear "Lori" in a Russian voice.  I turned around to find her with open arms.  I love her so much and pray that she doesn't get involved in terrible things when she goes to trade school this fall.

Valya, me, and Katya.  Valya's mother tried to sell her for her organs when she was very little, so she ran away.  

Dasha and Alina.  I will be partnering with an organization to sponsor them this fall.  Please pray for them and all of our graduates.  Their plight becomes quite shaky from here on out.  

I could go on and on.  I'm sure in future posts, I'll be sharing more photos.  This is where my mind wanders when I'm not focusing and often when I am focusing.  My heart breaks for them.  But, God promises to be the Father of the fatherless.  He loves these kids more perfectly than I ever could and He will do as He sees fit!  Please continue to pray for this ministry as it is far from over.  Please also pray for the country of Ukraine and its many flaws so different from the flaws of our country.  

I thank all of you once again for your support and prayer.  May God continue to bless you and to show you His faithfulness in every season of life.

"This service that you perform is not only supplying the needs of God's people but is also overflowing in many expressions of thanks to God."  ~2 Corinthians 9:12

"I thank my God every time I remember you."  ~Philippians 1:3

rear view mirror

I have been home for twoish days now.  And, I really have a hard time wrapping my mind around that fact.  I cannot believe this trip is over and now, I'm fighting off thoughts of ditching my life here in some crazy attempt at "saving" my kids' lives over there.  Oh, trust me.  There are more irrational thoughts where that came from. I wake up every morning thinking I'm still in Ukraine and the noises outside are the kids.  Nope.  Reality is a real beeotch sometimes.

This summer was so different than last.  I formed more relationships with kids, deepened the ones already formed, and learned so much about myself and how I default to my own ways of coping (versus God's) when I'm experiencing emotional and physical difficulty.  If you want to learn a lot about yourself and those around you (subtle laughter), just place yourself in a physically and emotionally challenging environment with no escape for two weeks.  You will be forced to cry out for help both from God and from those you are surrounded by.  It is a quite astonishing, exasperating, and unique experience.  It is also violently beautiful.  You are literally coerced into trusting your Creator to sustain you minute by minute.  You find out that you are being served almost as intensely as those you've come to serve.  Quite the paradox.

Of course the kids' situations are extremely heartbreaking.  The more I learn about their lives, the more my faith in a God who truly cares about His creation is challenged.  I've cried over this so much.  I keep telling myself someday I'll understand, but it's just not enough right now.  I only hope and pray that He will reveal His plan and divine reasons for allowing so much pain in this world.  It seems these children cannot avoid misery at any time.  They become abandoned for many horrible reasons.  One girl told a translator that, when she was a little girl, her mother tried to sell her for her organs and she ran away.  They end up in the orphanage where their peers, and often their teachers and counselors, molest and beat them.  (My kids told me minutes before I left camp that they had gotten beaten that very day by their counselor.  I also heard one of these beatings taking place during an unexpected trip to their building one day at camp.)  Finally, they leave and go to a trade school where they feel utterly alone and marginalized while being easy targets for pimps and drug dealers.  Their culture does nothing to hinder this tragedy; if anything, it encourages it because they are thought of as nothing.  Hearing this stuff while looking at the pain in their eyes, well, I cried in front of them several times.  At least they can see through my vulnerability that someone cares about what happens to them.  But, that can't be enough.  It never was for me.  They need more consistency.  They need a support family in the form of believers willing to sacrifice on their behalf---and more than once or twice a year.  I am praying about all of this and I know many of my team members are as well.

Thank you again to all who have made this ministry possible.  I appreciate all of you very much.  For those of you who truly care and ask, it means more than you will ever know.  As painful and heartbreaking as this journey has been, I wouldn't trade it for the world.  I love those beautiful faces so much.  I dream about them nightly and wake up wishing I could see them and talk to them some more.  Tonya, Yuliya, Katya, Valya, Yana, Sergei, Andre, Taras, Ruslan................all of them.  They are each so uniquely talented and beautiful.  But, I have seen that same painful look in each of their eyes.  That look that says, "Please love me.  Please see my worth. Please follow through with your promises.  Because I don't think you will."  Even as I type this, it's all so fresh and tears are slowly falling from my tired eyes.

 I hope to see them again soon.

she's one in a million

It's cloudy.  And, it's not raining.  This kind of weather day after day makes me want to do nothing but sleep.  I've been so sluggish; I actually congratulate myself when I get out of bed in the morning and make coffee.

I feel checked out.  As excited as I am for this trip in five days, I wish so badly I could be at home.  I miss my family and well, they are all pretty much too busy to miss me.  Every time I call someone, I get a distracted, checked out person on the other line.  Except for my grandmother.  And, she is the number one person who should be distracted right now as my grandfather has had major health issues recently.  But, she wanted me to know from the bottom of her heart that she loves me, that she is thinking of my trip, and that her prayers are with me.  She always comes through when noone else does and I honestly don't think she has a CLUE that she is that person for me.  She's like that with everyone.  She loves people and esteems others more than herself; more than her current situation and more than her own emotions.  I wish I could give her a big hug right now and tell her the same; that Grandpa being sick has consumed my thoughts lately and that I love them and miss them so much.  Sometimes, a girl just needs her grandma.  I'm stashing a photo of her in my Ukraine journal.  Yep. 

Five days!!  I cannot wait to see the kids.  And, all of my friends from afar.  A big thank you to the humble person who gave me support recently and wanted to remain anonomous! 

zip-ah-dee-doo-dah

Dah.  In t minus 11 days, I'll be watching out the window for Heather Morozov's van coming down the drive to pick me up and take me to the airport.  She and her kiddos are watering my flowers for me while I'm gone, too.  The friendships I've made here are amazing.  I love Nashville.  So much.

I am so excited too see "my" kids, to experience God in such an intense way again (oh, I've missed that), and to once again be reminded that there IS a purpose to all of this.  Summer camp is amazing.  Oh, yeah.

It will be a difficult ending to our time there, however.  That 8 hour bus ride back to Kiev will be one of the hardest 8 hours of my life.  Many of the kids have graduated this spring, so it is very possible that this will be the last time we see them or hear from them.  That fact combined with harrowing statistics; well, it's not easy to digest.  So, for now, I am asking God to help me focus on what He wants to accomplish this summer.  And, for mental strength to focus on Him and not myself or my feelings.

Thank you from the bottom of my heart to all of you who have given to this ministry in any way.  Whether it was actual funding, prayer, asking me about it because you know it's important to me, or just listening to me when I need to talk about it.  I love you all more than I am capable of showing.

Tennessee Williams and the Apostle Paul

I wrote my last Poetry paper on the drama, The Last Menagerie by Tennessee Williams.  A very poignantly written story dealing in illusion and reality.  Thought provoking and stirring to say the least.  The live performance made me cry.  (surprising?)

One line in the piece particularly stood out as I read it.  "The window is filled with pieces of colored glass, tiny transparent bottles in delicate colors, like bits of a shattered rainbow."  It instantly made me think of a verse in the Bible that has a slightly different mental image, but not really.    "For now we see through a glass darkly; but then face to face. Now, I know in part; but then shall I know even as also I am known."  Aren't we all victims of our own illusions?  That's just one aspect of the Fall.  But, even though we only see fractions of light or truth, what is revealed to us is so beautiful, we can hardly contain it within us at times...  And, someday, we shall see clearly.  For an eternity. 

be Thou my vision!

Of Being ~ Denise Levertov (1923-1997)

I know this happiness
Is provisional:
                            the looming presences--
                            great suffering, great fear--

                            withdraw only
                             into peripheral vision:

but ineluctable this shimmering
of wind in the blue leaves:

this flood of stillness
widening the lake of sky:

this need to dance,
this need to kneel:
                           
                            this mystery:

I love my mama.

So, my mom is leaving on Friday morning for Haiti.  It is her second time returning to do medical missions.  I love her generous heart and her willingness to help others whether or not she is feeling well physically.  I just had a wonderful talk with her and hearing her describe packing for her trip and such; well, it made me super excited for our trip this summer!!!  It's kind of crazy that I forget how tired I am when we return stateside and how exhausting the traveling can be.  But, it's cool.  I love these children so much; I'd do just about anything to see them as much as I can.  Including emptying my pocketbook.  Fundraising has been tough to say the least.  I am holding on to little slivers of truth each day and asking God to show me that HE is faithful. 
Today, I'm so thankful for grace.  In the world's eyes, I'm kind of a flub who doesn't have all the right qualities.  In my Father's eyes, I'm beautiful.  He SHOWERS me with love and consistently shows me that He can use my lemonness for his glory.  He really doesn't even allow me to question it anymore.  As soon as I get all cynical, He steps up.  So, be careful regarding judgements you make of people.  They may seem like the last person God could ever employ in his bidness, but they could be doing a lot more and being used more than you'll ever know.  If He can use me, He can use a n y b o d y.

the stillness can be so loud

   This has been one of those seasons of life where one feels as if they are running in place.  It's as though I'm standing outside this vast bubble containing my life and all others I come in contact with every day...And, what I see is this incredible concoction of beauty and devastation, light and darkness, generosity and selfishness.............One of the most awesome shifts in my thinking is the way God is using the little knowledge and relationship I have with these beautiful people I've had the opportunity to meet in Ukraine to give me new insight.  It seems that the many ways I view the world are through the filter of their understanding of life; that is, the little I know of it.  The love and connection I feel for them is so supernatural and all encompassing.  It's a life-changing thing and I praise God for all of it.  However, it does make it harder for me to really focus on life here.  I am really quite disheartened with American culture and have been for years.  Everything and everyone is so bent on degrading anything sacred.  It's revolting to me that people watch shows like Tosh.O and are actually entertained by it.  It's sickening.  Sorry.  I will never resort to taking something sacred and making it garbage, so I guess that makes me a nerd.  When you've seen a screaming baby tied to wires and chest tubes while their parent leaves them at the hospital for weeks, it's not really funny when someone breaks apart a video of a mother swinging her kid around like a whip.  When you've met orphans who are criminals and are completely desensitized to love (a feeling I understand) because noone has ever wanted to take care of them, it really impacts you to see things for what they are.  I prefer to see the beauty in life, I guess.  I always have.  I'd rather sit under the stars and talk about the vastness of the universe than work an extra shift at a job I don't like so I can get a boob job or a new car.  Wise words from my counselor: "Americans are more focused on what they are doing and what they have instead of who they are."   Focusing on external things always leaves me so unsatisfied.  God can't really use me when I'm completely disenfranchised and cynical.  I woke up with a resolve today to focus more on the eternal.  My soul, my body, and my spirit are crying out for it.  These temporary trappings I've been stuck in lately are not working out.  I wish I didn't stupidly get stuck in them so easily and for so long.  I guess it's our human nature that has to learn over and over that the external things will never fill this void in our hearts.  And, if things were easy and sunny all the time, it wouldn't seem as vibrant when we receive a break in the clouds.  The stillness would never exist.  We'd be too busy and tired to live it.

   I miss Yuliya a lot right now.  She wasn't at her orphanage during their Christmas; she went home to her family.  I guess they want her for holidays, but not the rest of the year.  Because of this, she has gone her entire life knowing she can never be adopted.  I don't know which would be worse; getting left in an orphanage for good, or occasionally getting the taste of domestic life only to be returned to an institution.  It explains a lot about her behavior and her need for affection.  I am oft times haunted by thoughts of other things she could be doing to get that affection.  Something Tosh would probably make fun of, but it's a tragic, dark place I don't even want to think about, let alone believe and know could be occuring.

  I am so excited to see these kids again!  I am amazed at their talents.  Their struggle and their plight is heartbreaking; I see myself in them.  It started out as a simple mission trip in my mind and has turned into a potentially lifelong ministry.  I feel so ill-equipped.  Oh, God, show me Your faithfulness.

Oh, life

I. Hate. Winter.  I suppose I shouldn't complain about it because many people I know have just endured a blizzard of epic proportions.  I just hate cold weather and how unmotivated it makes me.  I truly dread getting out of bed and usually find excuses to sleep in on days off.  Then, I hate myself for like 3 hours.  Oh, the tangled web...

I'm still dreaming vividly about the kids.  Last night, though, I had a dream that an old high school classmate told me that I was a pig.  It's the only part of last night's dreaming that I really remember.  When I awoke and got over the fact that I needed to get out of bed, I thought of that first thing.  It made me think of being a teenager and especially what it must be like to be a teenager or young adult in an institution that encourages such little growth and fosters oppression.  It's hard enough to be a girl in America being raised in an upper middle class family in (uh, near) a small town where there's a larger sense of community.  I have been priveledged in so many ways and I have taken it all for-granted.  I moan and complain constantly, I blab about myself incessantly, and I make every situation about me.  They say (who's the "they"?--inside joke) that when a person starts abusing substances, they remain the age they were at the time of descent into destruction.  Well, I was about 19.  I honestly think that is a huge reason why it's taken me so long to mature.  When I finally started coming up for air, I was inhibited by lack of experience, years of self-destruction in a very important life stage, and all of the lies you therefore believe as a result.  And, once again, it makes me think of these children we've met in Ukraine.  Their situation is quite different from mine (and, really, more devastating), but the spiritual and mental context- not so much.  They most likely believe they are unworthy of love for copious reasons; they have a distorted VIEW of love; they probably feel very hopeless and ambivalent much of the time .  I don't know what God has in mind and I don't know how much of a role someone like me could ever have, but I do know that if He can steadily reform my motivations and actions, He can do wonderful things for them.  It may be a slow process.  It may be hard to watch.  And, it may be overwhelmingly difficult to grasp the depth of their need.  But, if we just let Him live His life though us, it will all be accomplished as He has planned.  And, that's it.  And, that's all. 

abandoned children; planes, buses, Orthodox Christmas, and snow

     Wow.  This trip was simply amazing.  The intricate ways God works are everywhere.  And, I mean everywhere.  I learned so many things about Ukraine on this trip, bonded with my kids, built relationships with others I've not spent much time with before, and deepened relationships with many wonderful translators and Radooga staff.  As Heather Harris has said, we are all family.  I hope the kids feel that, too.
   Some of the things we have learned about the kids on this trip are so heart-breaking.  I think it's stuff we all suspected and kind of knew was going on, but it's still hard to hear it and I will never forget what I was doing or how my heart moved when I heard these things.  It's such an opportunity to love them even more and show them God slowly over time.  I feel so tied to them.  I feel the Lord working.  It is a feeling like no other.  Nothing I write right now can even remotely do justice to the things running through my mind.  The experiences we all made on this trip are all a little different, but one thing we all agree on is that GOD is good.  And, because we have this knowledge of His love, it is our calling to share it in whichever way He calls us.  For me, I feel it is going to be something big, but I am waiting on His direction.  He knows my path and trusting that is also a feeling like no other.
     One more aspect of going on a mission trip of this nature concerns the things you learn about yourself in the process.  They may be things you already knew, but are presented to you in a new way.  They may be traits that come out because you are under trying conditions such as dehydration, lack of sleep, jet lag, emotional extremes because of the nature of the trip, and slight disorientation from different surroundings.  I have had friends beg me to get counseling for various emotional problems with most of them boiling down to self-loathing (poor self image).  This trip has been the final catalyst for that step.  I cannot be a light to others, whether it be close friends, fellow-Midtowners, or orphaned children until I deal with my own issues and learn to love myself the way God does.  It sounds simple, but-and trust me on this-it is a very profound and complex journey.  And ,the beauty of it is that it's not some silly, shallow self-help crap.  It's me learning to trust the One who made me so that I can love others more fully.  So, more than just me benefits!  (there are many people sighing in relief right now)  Some of what caused me to make this hard decision (counseling is very intimidating to me) includes hearing myself complain about my appearance constantly, bitterness toward the opposite sex, and just general inconsistency.  It's so easy for me to find fault with others.  You know why, don'tcha?  Because I don't like many things about myself.  Just one small thing I have in common with many of these beautiful kids in Kharkov.  Someone along the way has convinced us that we are unloveable.  And, that is never true.  Or, perhaps it IS true, but Someone loves us, anyway!  Thank you to all who have been patient with me through this not-so-pleasant aspect of my life.
     I started reading "Flowers for Algernon" today.  The first page contained this writing of Plato's.  Beautiful Ukrainian faces flashed across my mind as I read it.  Let me use the disclaimer that I do not deem them retarded.  :)
    "Anyone who has common sense will remember that the bewilderments of the eyes are of two kinds, and arise from two causes, either from coming out of the light or from going into the light, which is true of the mind's eye, quite as much as of the bodily eye; and he who remembers this when he sees anyone whose vision is perplexed and weak, will not be too ready to laugh; he will first ask whether that soul of man has come out of the brighter life, and is unable to see because unaccustomed to the dark, or having turned from darkness to the day is dazzled by excess of light.  And he will count the one happy in his condition and state of being, and he will pity the other; or, if he have a mind to laugh at the sould which comes from below into the light, there will be more reason in this than in the laugh which greets him who returns from above out of the light into the den."
   May we all constantly remind ourselves that we live in a world of darkness which has fractions of Light.  And, the Light of God is the only thing truly enabling us to see.