leaving on a jet plane-in 3 days

I honestly don't really know what I'm thinking right now.  My thoughts are all in a whirl.  I just got back to Tennessee from home in Illinois.  Going home always shakes up my world; it's shaken in a mostly good way because I see everything and (almost) everyone who helped shaped me before my move here and whom I love very much.  But, it's always hard for me to come back and get back into the groove of life while reality sets in that I indeed do NOT live there anymore and my life is rooted in TN now.  It's not that life here is bad :)  I'm just a sentimental moron who loves sooo many peeps 7 hours away.  This time, however, I don't have much time to dwell on myself.  (this is a good thing...)   
I cannot believe this trip is already about to begin.  It seems like two days ago, I was considering going, praying profusely about my cynicism toward raising funds, and taking the plunge of faith believing that God has something huge, beautiful, and transforming going on here and that I just need to trust that.  Since then, I've gotten letters from my kids.  This sounds like a small thing, but it just reinforced that they are desperate for affection and love.  I hope and pray that we can effectively show them they ARE desperately loved.  Not just by us, but most importantly by a God whose heart is broken by the fallenness of this world.  
    Thank you to all who have been prayerful toward this, for all of you who have generously given to this ministry, for all of you who are patient and loving toward me personally as I grow in Christ, and most of all for those who have taken a true interest in my journey with this; it truly enables me to see God at work and makes me more useful for HIM.  I have dear friends who have cried with me over these children they have never met.  I love all of you so much more than I show.  Thank you.  I hope you all had a wonderful Christmas and that the New Year is one of adventure, personal growth, and experiences that challenge your perspective! 
" I pray that out of his glorious riches he may strengthen you with power through his Spirit in your inner being, so that Christ may dwell in your hearts through faith.  And, I pray that you, being rooted and established in love, may have power...to grasp how...high and deep is the love of Christ, and to know this love that surpasses knowledge--that you may be filled to the measure of all the fullness of God.  Now to him who is able to do immeasurably more than all we ask or imagine, according to his power that is at work within us, to him be glory ...forever and ever!"  Ephesians 3:16-21

Three weeks!!!!

I'm really excited tonight.  Just talking about the activites we'll do with the kids and trying to imagine how awesome it will be to see them again is enough to get me so jubilant, I cry, laugh, clap my hands, and jump all at once.  For real.  I cannot wait.  But, in the business of serving God, there is a lot of waiting, so I must.  I'm also very excited to see the wonderful translator friends I love and everyone else I've met.  Call me biased, but I find people from Ukraine fascinating and gorgeous.  And, their political struggles, spiritual battles, and way of life are as well.  We Americans take far too many things for-granted (like refined sugar, for example).  Yes.  I've had to come to many realizations of truth from this entire experience and the growth is slow, but steady.  Slow and steady wins the race!  mhm.

On the other hand, there is also the knowledge that this trip will be emotionally difficult-both for us and for the kids.  We only get one day per orphanage while in Kharkov, so that doesn't allot much time spent with them.  I hope and pray that it truly brightens their Christmas and that it is a memory they keep in their hearts vs. being just another visit from a group of Americans.  January 2nd!!
P.S. THANK YOU to ALL who have given to the team and to me individually.  You know who you are! 

the waiting is the hardest part

Let me just start by saying that I am very, very thankful for good, solid friendships and growing relationships with family.  People who aren't just fun to be around or half-heartedly ask how you are doing, but who honestly care about your well-being and would do anything it takes to help you if they could.  When one goes through the rough patches in life, it can be very clarifying as to whom they should be investing in.  I know that there are people who have been deliberately planted in my life to show me how NOT to treat people and I know, too, that there are many people planted in my life to show me that I am loveable no matter what I may think about myself.
     I hope I can (slowly) build relationships with my Ukrainian friends and "kids" and that as I grow in my relationship with God and learn to love others more beautifully, Yuliya, Alina, Tonya, Andre and the others could become recipients of God's love through me somehow.  I feel like such an unworthy, broken vessel, but I suppose that's just part of the beauty.... 
    Yes, I've still been having a bad time of mental anguish.  And, I'm not afraid to tell anyone or talk about it.  If it makes you uncomfortable because some social rule you learned along the way tells you that I should keep this to myself, too bad.  I'm not here to fluff your social rules.  I don't think Jesus would, either. 
     I am just in this intense period of waiting right now.  Some of the waiting is on certain events, such as going to Ukraine and reuniting with my girls.  Some of it is situational in that I'm taking under-grad classes working toward a very vague degree in who-knows-what because I can never make up my mind.  :)  I have a terrible attitude about my task-oriented role at work where I feel like a glorified gopher (go fer this, go fer that) who takes vital signs and whom the parents really don't want in the room because I'm not a nurse.  I had to leave home for many reasons, and Nashville has a lot going for it, but I miss my family and friends who know me inside out every day!!  I have been waiting on Prince Charming for so long, I've all but given up.  Even Christian guys are persnickety and judgemental toward bad characteristics such as being overweight, not being professionally developed, and sassiness.  The grace that is supposed to permeate Christian relationships has been hard to find here, quite honestly.  I guess no matter where you go, people are still people. 
     When I'm able to be at least slightly reflective on all of this and not just straight up cynical, I can see all of the beauty in it and all of the things God is doing.  He is the string of glue keeping me from completely falling off of the car door.  ( I say that because my trim falls off my car about twice a year and it always seems to be when I pull up to park.  The fact that it hangs by a string while I'm driving 80 down the interstate blows my mind.)  I think I need to hang onto him a little better.  I think I need to stop expecting other people to fix me.  Because few want to even try, let alone have the ability to succeed at doing so.  I'm too flawed.  The only thing that can fix me is raw, encompassing GRACE that comes from the One who gives us our broken abilities.  And, I long to be filled with that grace so that I can be someone who gives others reason to hope because they can see this crazy, stark difference in the way I handle things as opposed to wallowing!  Especially, these kids I've befriended in Ukraine.  I feel so much for them and I want to do anything, ANYTHING I can to transform the outcome of their seemingly bleak existence.  Oh, how I miss them and cannot wait to see them again!
     One of my best friends recently turned away from her old ways of thinking and has turned to God because she had no other choice.  Her life was falling down around her and out of sheer desperation, she reached out for grace and found it.  And, she is such a rock in my life.  She has so many hard things in her life right now, but her faith is so strong.  She read me a verse the other night on the phone.  It's a verse I used to love so. much.  And, I've just kind of forgotten about it because it became so overly-quoted in certain circles.  But, I haven't heard it for quite some time and when she read it to me, I was overcome with the feeling that once again (well, all along) I was/am being pursued by my Prince of Peace.
  "Do you not know?  Have you not heard?  The Lord is the everlasting God, the Creator of the ends of the earth.  He will not grow tired or weary and his understanding no one can fathom.  He gives strength to the weary and increases the power of the weak.  Even youths grow tired and weary and young men stumble and fall.  But, those who hope in the Lord will renew their strength.  They will soar on wings like eagles; they will run and not grow weary, they will walk and not be faint."
     It is from Isaiah, chapter 40.  And, it reminded me of another verse in Isaiah that applies to all we struggle with here in this "dry and thirsty land". 
    " As the heavens are higher than the earth, so are my ways higher than your ways and my thoughts than your thoughts. 
    As the rain and the snow come down from heaven and do not return to it without watering the earth and making it bud and flourish, so that it yields seed for the sower and bread for the eater, so is my word that goes out from my mouth.
    It will not return to me empty, but will accomplish what I desire and achieve the purpose for which  I sent it."
   Thank you, Lord, for Your word.  It makes me come back to my senses.  I'm not in control and I really don't want to be.  I'd rather free-fall and trust that "there will be something to land on, or I will be taught to fly."

if I could only fly

So, the highlight of my life most recently has been receiving a bulky letter in the mail from two of my favorite girls.  Alina and Yuliya are best friends.  I'm really glad they have each other.  They told me they are in their last year in school (they are 16) and that they want to go to trade school.  I know that Yuliya wants to cut hair and already does so for her friends.  They love to dance, sing, sew, and draw.  They also love popular American music and movies.  That seems to be a similar thread throughout the country in general.  They both told me they love me very much (but, of course.) and that they think I am very fun and interesting.  (Val and Heather had a hard time deciphering the word.  "spunky" was another translation. )  They begged me to come to camp again next year.  Little do they know; I'm going in January!!!  :)  I just wish there were a way I could tell them easily.  I'm in the process of Val translating me another letter (poor Val--some days, he probably wishes he didn't know Russian) that will hopefully reach them in time.  It will be very difficult for me if they have family they go see for the holidays and are not there when I am in their very city and orphanage.  But, I should be thankful (in that situation) that they have family to see!  There are several other kids I would absolutely love to see, though, so no matter what, it will be worth the trip.  I am very thankful for the support I have raised and for the people who are so generous and who truly care about this portion of my life.  Words can't express how I feel when I open a hand-addressed envelope to find support and an encouraging letter offering prayer and wisdom! 

On the other hand, as many of you may know, I've been struggling vehemently against myself lately.  I find myself being incredibly self-centered, cynical, participating in things I have convictions against, and have really fallen into a basic lack of motivation that happens when I start losing hope.  Yeah, this is getting deep, so if you can't handle it, stop reading.  I need people to pray for me.  I need people to lift me up so that I can also be someone who lifts others up.  I need to be restored (for the millionth time) in my mind.  I hate myself when I am living out of a dark place in my mind.  There are so many factors of this.  I won't go into them because that's a little too complainy and whiney.  Just please pray that I can be renewed in my mind and my heart.  Because like this, I am of little use to anyone.  Not even myself.  Thank you, friends.  Pray for our beloved Ukrainian kids, too.  We are all getting pretty stoked for this trip! 

Some days, I just long for heaven.  I lay down to sleep and my mind creates photographic moments of utter innocence, beauty that never dies, and a complete lack of darkness and monotony.  I've always admired flying creatures.  It seems they can quite literally rise above all of this, spread their wings, and be in a better place by morning.  I'm so very jealous.

perhaps a tinge too much coffee before my walk

I almost killed myself today.  Not in the I-slit-my-wrist kind of way; rather in the I-climbed-a-steep-embankment-to-read-and-narrowly-escaped-death-on-the-way-down sort of way.  Everyone observing was warily slowing down, watching to see if I would crash headfirst into the pavement below.  I laughed like a crazy person when I discovered I only suffered a few bruises and scrapes.  Mainly at the spectators' reactions.  It's quite amazing how many thoughts cross the threshhold of one's mind in a few fleeting seconds.  I didn't have the whole life flashing before my eyes sort of thing; I had two thoughts.  1)  Oh, no!  I'm turning 30 tomorrow and I'm going to either be dead or be in the hospital with a broken neck and legs.  2)  If this whole thing doesn't sum me up in a nutshell:  an impulsive love for adventure with little thought to how the whole thing will end.  

Thankfully, both for myself and for those around me, I've become less self-indulgently adventurous during the last 7 or so years.  I only have God to thank for that.  Yup.  Some days, I still miss being terrifically immature, but my life is so much more full today.  Well, when I'm thinking rightly, it is.  It's become considerably more natural for me to think about consequences of selfish behavior; not simply how it will affect me, but how it will affect those around me.  Of course, I'll always struggle with this and will need God to temper my tendencies.  Sigh.  Something has to make me interesting.  

The chapter assignment I read underneath the interstate bridge today (it's actually a GREAT place to read) was instructional material on how to effectively write an argumentative synthesis.  The chapter material included examples and commentaries displaying various ways to go about writing such a paper.  One of the quotes used in the material really struck me in regard to myself, people I know deeply, people I encounter daily, and those beautiful children stuck in Ukrainian institutions.  " The world is not populated by Mr. and Ms. Spocks of Star Trek fame, whose brains function by reason alone.  Even those who claim to be open-minded on a given topic are often captive to deeply held beliefs and, so, deceive themselves concerning their willingness to respond rationally to arguments.  'People often fail to identify their own biases because of a compelling human desire to believe they are fair-minded and decent."  Whether we all want to admit it or not, we are biased people who need to be challenged constantly to change our views so that we don't primarily serve ourselves with them.  I think often, when I bring up the subject of God, people's biases as to what they think of someone who labels themselves as a Christian causes them to immediately shut down.  Sometimes, I can understand.  The American "Christian" has not exactly lived out his or her calling in Christ.  If we all did, we wouldn't have people on the street corner holding up signs that say "God hates fags."  Really?!  And, I think as Americans, we need to be fully aware venturing overseas to build relationships with kids who live in a different culture that they most likely won't respond in the way we think they might.  I guess I'm just thinking I want to be more sensitive to their collective and individual needs and not go over there with an agenda.  I'm pretty sure I can speak for my entire group when I say that.  We all love those kids so much.  Oh, I hope they know.  If all goes well, in two months, we'll be spending our last days with them.  And, I'll come home all emotionally bent out of shape.  :)

Life, with its mountain tops and valleys, is awesome.  I complain often, get discouraged easily, and lose heart sometimes.  But, there are so many reasons to love this experience.  Just the way a stark tree branch looks against a sky full of condensed tears...or a tiny bright yellow butterfly soaring along the shrub line, abruptly turning around, and taking off in the other direction....or the way people band together during a tragedy... the way Yulia's amber eyes light up when she smiles...the way a hard-hearted person like me can respond to the song lyric "oh, death, where is your victory?"............Apparently, it has none over me, quite literally.  Phew.  I'm gonna live to be thirty.  Oh, Lord, that's another can of worms.  Cans of worms.  They're beautiful, too---well, no, they're not. 

I should be in bed....

     I must arise at the lovely hour of 5:30 tomorrow.  On a Sunday, no less.  Ugh.  I just have to get through the next few days and then I am heading north to the Prairie State!!  So crazy excited to play with Abram, hang with family, go to Chicago via Amtrack with my mom, and see some friends who share my love for wide open spaces, real conversation, and probably have fond tail-gating memories.  :)
     The kids have been on my mind so much lately.  It seems like every time I wonder off, I am thinking of Yuliya and wondering what life is like for her where she is.  It's great because it gives me opportunity to pray for her every time she and the other kids cross my mind, but it is also painful.  For many reasons.  For one thing, I feel kind of silly feeling so attached to her because I only spent like 6 days with her and conversation was very limited due to the language barrier.  I really feel like it's a God thing, but she probably just thinks I'm some chubby American chick who can bring her to Hollywood.  Oh, well..  I just love her.  Those amber eyes held so much pain, need for acceptance, and mystery.  It's totally crazy that I'm even considering living in Kharkov someday...I don't know Russian, don't know a lot about daily life in eastern Ukraine, lack resources.........But, faith is crazy.  God is powerful.  People all around me can question my abilities, my personality, and my potential.  Go ahead.  My God can combat all of that and my confidence in that keeps me going every day.  Some days are harder than others... 
     I'm getting sleepy.  So, I should prooobbbaably stop typing or I may shame myself.  Everyone knows how I get when I ramble.  =)  I am still fund-raising for this trip.  Please do not hesitate to give as it is costly and I am poor white trash.  Oh, I love saying that.  I love it.  People react in so many different ways to that statement.  Good night, loves.

Saturday

Oh, how I love fall in Tennessee.  It's a little more gradual than up north and just beautiful.  I do miss the cornfields and wide open spaces in Illinois sometimes...  I'm going home in a couple weeks to spend some quality time with family and head to Chicago with my mom!  Can't wait!

I have been praying so much for this coming trip in January that I've been dreaming about the kids almost as much as I was when we returned from camp in July.  There are so many uncertainties with this trip; the extreme weather and travel, the possibility of being turned away at the orphanage door(s), our reactions to the quality of life these kids endure on a daily basis, and the possibility that some of them will not be there when we come to see them.  It just always comes back to the same thing:  It's not in my control and nothing I do now will change the outcome.  This is actually a very beautiful thing.  It makes the journey of life more mysterious, adventurous, and exciting!  I love the knowledge (that comes from experience) that God can be trusted.  That, no matter what things look like, He is always working.  It sounds like Christianese when you haven't experienced it over time, but to me, it's moving, freeing, and awesome.  He loves those kids.  He has put us in their lives.  We don't know what will unfold, but He does.  So, staying close to Him (and He ensures that happens) is the remedy for my fears.

I am already needing to trust Him for my support, for other people's reactions to me needing support, and of course to sustain me through every day I struggle against my mental problems, my addictions, and my selfish nature.  Sustainment; getting just what you need for the time being.  That is also comforting to me.  I don't need anything more.  I'm learning to truly be content with wherever I am and whatever I have.  (Key word in that sentence being "learning."  ;)  This world is temporary and only what is done for Christ matters.  Nothing else.  ....That makes me wish I were doing more.  Like, quitting my job and being a hobo for Jesus.  :)  Yeah.  Not gonna happen.  ;)

I hope and pray I can see my Yuliya and the rest of the Lions in January.  And, that if I don't for some reason, that I will respond graciously.  And, continue to trust God.

killin' the blues

I've got John Prine on repeat up in here.  :)  It's a fitting song for the beautiful, cloudy day outside with leaves changing colors and floating to the ground.. always makes me nostalgic for my childhood on the farm. 

I'm very thankful I have some fun adventures planned for life during the next few months because waiting for our short time in Ukraine will be difficult.  I feel like God is teaching me how to wait these days.  It is indeed "the hardest part", but it truly builds character and teaches a person so much about themselves..  I've never been one to wait on anything; this shows up in my life in various ways.  That's why I struggle with over-eating, job-disatisfaction, and why I struggled with much bigger vices and depression in the past.  Because I always want what I want RIGHT NOW.  But, there is no beauty in that!  And, I've discovered (much to my delight) that waiting on the Lord is an awesome process that never disappoints me.  And, His ways are so much more adventurous; you have to let go of fear.  You have to plunge into the great unknown trusting that "either something will be there to catch you, or you will be taught to fly."  Quite frankly, I'd like to be taught to fly.  =) 

Seeing the kids on video at the dinner for Oleg and Lena Vasilevsky last Friday tore me up in ways I'm sure only my fellow teammates could understand.  I have photos of Yuliya, Tonya, Andre, Ruslan, and Alina all over my apartment.  But seeing them in motion...  I must get back to them soon.  Oh, Lord guard my fragile heart.  I want to return to them full of life, passion, and joy.  As someone who easily reverts back to the negative, I will need You in this process; in this journey.  Like my pastor said on Sunday, "Audacious HOPE is different from optimism.  Optimism keeps doing the same things, trodding along believing that eventually things will change for the better.  Fake smiles.  Putting on an act for other people.  HOPE is having the courage to act when doubt is warranted."  Admitting you don't have it all together, but trusting GOD does.  It's the difference between faith and reason.  Call me crazy, but I'd rather have faith.

thinkin/and prayin/not wishin/ but hopin

Oh, I hope I can trust God enough to quell these nervous thoughts and anxieties about life these days. I've never been one to handle a fast-paced lifestyle very well and currently, I'm forced to. It just makes me appreciate every interaction with loved ones and every fun adventure all the more, I suppose.

Still deeply considering going with the team to Ukraine in January; at this point, my only reason for "backing out" would be an utter lack of funds. I am so attached (already) to these kids in my heart and cannot wait until I see them again!! It's exciting to think about the potential plans the Lord has for them. Although their situation looks so bleak, these slowly built relationships we are making with them will hopefully beam a light into their shadows. I really hope something long-term stems from all of this; I am leaning more and more toward eventually living over there someday. But, that's kind of me jumping to conclusions. Let's just wait patiently on God, Lori. :)

For now, I'm just taking life one hour at a time. Praying that I will trust God to provide support for me; both financially and emotionally.  Praying that I can completely surrender my will to God's. For a hard-headed (and, sometimes hard-hearted) person such as myself, this is not an easy undertaking. Thankfully, Jesus is faithful in his promises and I don't have to rely on my own performance.

I'm writing this very sleep-deprived with many, many things on my mind...I should reserve ramblings such as these for my journal. :)

Tonight is the fund-raising dinner for Oleg and Lena in Franklin, Tennesee. I'm excited to see them again!